Friday, October 22, 2010

Night Timing

Autumn is here in all her glory. I plan to take a walk down Sweetwater and capture some of it on film later today. For now, this is what I have.

Life has been rocky lately. Good days marked by dark days. Yesterday saw a full spectrum from me. I began with the heavy but nearly unspoken disappointment of my professor for whom I work. I'd been promising to produce youtube clips for him for two weeks. It's not that I didn't have time. It's that I've been lacking the motivation. I've written the task down on dry erase boards, notebooks, calendars... as if stating the task made it complete. This is what they call depression, I believe.

There's a cute little picture that I have that says "I'm not okay. You're not okay. And that's okay."

Mom has been gracious enough to send texts every day updating Grandma's condition. She's reached the stage of refusing food and liquids, organs are beginning to shut down. The shop doors are closing, as by the end of the day yesterday she'd slipped into a light coma. I broke down and cried, sitting out on the porch painting mandalas.

It feels a little silly to cry, as if the world wont expect me to. As if my professor is wondering, 'why can't you get your work done on time? It's just your Grandmother." It's just a part of life. She's old. This happens. The world doesn't care about Grandmother's anymore.

She's precious to me. Oh so precious.

And I spent the entire night folded up in uncomfortable dreams about the ex. You know the kind I'm talking about... you try to figure out why you can't be together but you keep coming across the other. His other. And it's as if the rest of your reality were suddenly gone. Me getting married. My wonderful husband-to-be. Where is he in this picture? He wasn't. And I wake cranky, with a strange feeling of being mired in the mud of my own deep unconscious processes.

"Life may not be the party we expected, but while we're here we might as well dance." - grandma

1 comment:

  1. oh, I feel you on so many levels. the loss of a loved one, though your loss is slow and mine was sudden, it is loss nonetheless. it's not silly to cry, grief is what the living are faced with when the dying and dead say goodbye.
    and the dreams - I have one like that every now and then, still. and I just wonder when they'll end, and I keep hoping that they are some sort of chemical waste from the process of letting go.